Anti-Valentine poem dedicated to energy companies

The poem, entitled ‘It’s not me, it’s you’ tells the story of a customer who, initially wooed by an energy company into switching providers, is quickly left disillusioned by subsequent service levels and eventually breaks off the ‘relationship’.

The poem is intended, says the ombudsman, to encourage energy companies to work towards healthier relationships with their customers. Chief ombudsman Lewis Shand Smith explained: “We’re grateful to Matt and the Poetry Society for helping us to get our message across that companies need to do more to woo their customers… Companies can help by talking about their bills, processes and procedures in simple language so that we feel valued, appreciated and loved.”

The full poem is reproduced below:


IT’S NOT ME, IT’S YOU

I admit that it appalled me

that day you first cold-called me

but you charmed me, won me over

told me I would be in clover

and I succumbed to your advances

thought: what the heck, I’ll take my chances

I told the Doubting Thomases

that you would keep your promises

you’d said that you would care for me

that you’d always be there for me

oh how very wrong of me

I should have thought more carefully

all that warmth and bonhomie

now seems like such hot air to me

for when I called to clarify

the startlingly high tariff I

was on, you proved elusive

and remarkably reclusive

for one so formerly effusive

in breach of all known etiquette

you started playing hard-to-get

left me feeling so much smaller

as if I’m the nuisance caller

with designs on your affection

which is vexing and perplexing

I don’t think it would hurt to see

a bit of old world courtesy

so I’m parting from your company

who’s dumping who? You’re dumping me

constructively dismissing me

I trust you’ll soon be missing me

and then you’ll once again change tack

predictably you’ll call me back

and find you’re waiting in a queue

to hear, when you at last get through

Goodbye. It isn’t me. It’s you.

Poem by Matt Harvey

Will Parsons